


just like stairs

by coffins



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Pining, Teen Angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-04-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:48:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23581891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coffins/pseuds/coffins
Summary: Kita Shinsuke goes through life like it’s a ritual. Sometimes it goes awry, sometimes it goes as expected. Sometimes everything just falls through. Still, for the most part, Kita just follows the script that the gods have laid out for him, and everything is fine.Then suddenly, it just isn’t.What's a little internalised homophobia going to do to Kita and Atsumu's could-be relationship?
Relationships: Kita Shinsuke & Ojiro Aran, Kita Shinsuke/Miya Atsumu, Miya Atsumu & Miya Osamu, Miya Osamu/Suna Rintarou
Comments: 22
Kudos: 92





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is literally the first time i'm writing the inarizaki boys so yeah  
> hope yall enjoy anyways :3

Kita Shinsuke goes through life like it’s a ritual. Sometimes it goes awry, sometimes it goes as expected. Sometimes everything just falls through. Still, for the most part, Kita just follows the script that the gods have laid out for him, and everything is fine.

Then suddenly, it just isn’t.

It starts like this: Miya Atsumu, one of the twins on the team start to talk to him more.

Kita doesn’t mind the talented setter talking to him as long as he does it during their breaks, or once practice is done. He listens to him speak about volleyball, his twin brother, his plans for the future, what he wants to eat for lunch, the weather, his plans for the future, why he failed his test in Japanese literature, and anything else the first year manages to bring up in the span of only fifteen minutes.

On rare occasions, Atsumu will still stay by his side during breaks but keep his mouth shut, glaring at the wooden boards of the gym as if they did him a personal wrong. Kita knows when to speak to someone and when not to, so all he does is silently give him his water bottle and let the fifteen year old drink it until there’s nothing left inside. And for some reason, after that, Atsumu will smile at him like they’re sharing a secret that only they know. And maybe it is.

No one ever looks at their way when Atsumu’s beside him.

Of course, that friendship of theirs progresses and regresses as time goes on. For some reason, Atsumu refuses to talk to him once they’re about to move up another year.

In public, that is.

Atsumu talks to him when they’re alone, when no one else sees them. They’ve exchanged numbers and email addresses, and the younger boy will message him in the middle of the night, when he’s long gone to bed and he’s dreaming of a dream he will most likely forget in the morning. There was even a time when Atsumu visited his house, red faced and nervous in a way Kita’s never seen him before.

Does it bother Kita? Maybe it does- he’s not exactly sure. Maybe it’s a puberty thing, maybe it’s because he has a certain reputation of being uncaring and cold, maybe it’s just a weird thing Atsumu does with his friends. Whatever the reason is, Kita’s not bothered enough to ask Atsumu why.

Come third year when he’s the captain of the team, Atsumu’s changes again.

He doesn’t speak to him, gets annoyed when Kita does try to talk to him, starts even more fights with his brother, becomes even more of a nuisance to the team- he’s basically built a wall around him that only Osamu manages to tear down once in a while.

“You don’t speak to Atsumu anymore?” Aran asks him as they walk back home together.

“He always avoids me now. I can’t do anything about that,” Kita answers him.

“He’s being more of a brat nowadays. I wonder if he’s fine.”

Kita wonders that too but he doesn’t voice it out and instead lets the silence drown his thoughts like it’s the sky that causes storms and not the sea that sinks the boats.

Many things happen the following week. The absence of the coaching staff sets the stage. Atsumu arrives first to morning practice, uncharacteristically withdrawn with a passive face that only spells trouble. Suna Rintarou arrives with Osamu Miya who has a bandage on his cheek and a glare on his face that worries Kita and probably sends chills to everyone else’s spines because he looks j _ ust like Atsumu _ . The twins mostly ignore each other but that doesn’t stop the tension from mounting as each second passes by. Kita looks at Suna who for the first meets his gaze for a full minute before dropping it, like there’s some hidden meaning to it all.

And then, Suna says something that causes everyone in the gym to stop whatever they’re doing.

“Is anyone homophobic here? Because I’m gay.”

No one moves a muscle, and for some reason, Kita feels like he’s not viewing reality quite right. Then Atsumu speaks up.

“You’re really going to bring this up? In practice, you shitty  _ faggot _ ?”

There’s a split second where Kita feels like he can’t breathe because Suna’s face changes for a moment before it returns back to normal. He can see Suna opening his mouth but before he can say anything else, Osamu walks towards Atsumu and punches him.

“ _ What the fuck is wrong with you, Atsumu!? _ ”

A brawl begins between the two brothers and for the first time, Kita feels a bit at a loss because this is a fight he can’t just get in between. It’s personal, it’s heavy, and, even if he stops it now, they’ve already hurt each other too much. But he knows that if he lets it go on for too long, someone could end up being seriously injured so he wills himself to step in and look at Suna to help him pull the twins apart from each other.

It takes a minute but they manage to successfully pry the two off each other, who both wear equally terrifying faces that make them really look like they’re twins.

Atsumu is shaking even as Suna is holding him back and it’s a bit pitiful, maybe sad in a way. “I fucking hate you. This is all your fault! You fucking piece of shit!”

“You always fucking knew! And now it’s a problem? You’re so full of fucking shit you fucking coward!”

Osamu’s been mad At Atsumu before but those times, it was just a shallow kind of anger that doesn’t look serious enough to get worried about. Kita’s never seen him so angry and so spiteful towards his brother. For the first time, they’re actually mad at each other.

Kita sighs. “Okay, get out. Both of you are in no condition to practise now or later. Suna, help me bring them to the infirmary.”

“Okay. Let’s go.”

Suna leads Atsumu who’s stiff as a board and Osamu beside him is silent with a frown on his face. Suna and Atsumu are far enough so Kita talks to him.

“He hit you yesterday?” He asks, looking at the bandage on Osamu’s face.

“Huh? Yeah. Didn’t hurt that much,” Osamu replies, his deadpan look slowly returning. “It’s fine.”

Kita hums and he has nothing else to say to Osamu anymore.

When Suna and Kita head back, their steps are in sync, and they’re both slower than usual. Kita wonders if the twins will be fine without anyone watching over them. He would hate to burden the school doctor that way.

“Osamu’ll stay with me for now. They’ll work it out,” Suna says, taking Kita off guard.

“They will. Are you dating Osamu then?” Kita asks.

In that moment, the tension Suna seemingly held in his body melted away and a warmth in his eyes appeared. It’s a bit disarming to Kita who’s only ever seen Suna give him wary stares and bored eyes, and it makes him feel like he’s something he shouldn’t see.

“Yeah. I am.”

It’s a simple answer and neither of them say anything else on their way back to the gym. Still, it weighs heavy in Kita’s mind and slowly, the weight falls from his head, to his throat, to his chest, until it drops to his stomach and all he feels is a certain kind of cold.

He feels like something has changed.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Atsumu thinks back to how this all began.

Ever since they were kids, he and Osamu would always get in fights.

It would start over anything like a new toy, or a book, or who was mom’s favourite, and generally, their parents thought they were cute when they started those fights. And maybe it was because their photo albums are filled with photos that feature a small Atsumu and Osamu, looking like they’ve been yelling at each other or glaring at the camera while their parents hold them in their laps.

So it’s normal for them to fight. They argue a lot, get in scuffles together, but things usually go back to normal within a day.

Things aren’t going back to normal.

Atsumu ignored the empty space below his bunk bed as he climbed the ladder and bites his cheek when he feels like something is missing.

They’ve never been in a fight this big before.

One of them always started speaking like everything is back to normal, or they’d throw chips at the other like it’s some kind of peace offering that contains all the apologies they daren’t say. And always, without fail, the other will reply or take the bag of chips and ask if the other wants to share with him. But it’s different. Atsumu hurt Osamu and Osamu won’t hear him out until he feels like it, which if he has to be honest, is a big pain in the ass.

But it’s fine. Everything is okay.

Still, the bunk bed feels unstable as he lies on it, feeling like there’s something wrong with the weight. He feels like something is wrong with its base and the bed will snap if he makes the wrong move.

But is it really his fault? All the blame should go to  _ Kita  _ for existing and being so fucking perfect that he made someone-

Atsumu shifts and feels the bed move along with him. Maybe it’d be easier if he’s a bed. All he has to do is conform to the laws of physics and never break it. It’s harder to be a human, dealing with free will, responsibility, morals and all that stupid shit. He can break the law if he chooses to. And he can break them without meaning to.

Kita Shinsuke. He didn’t think much of his senior during the first months of his first year. What he knew was that he was scary, cold, and a bit of a perfectionist. And then all of those delusions came crashing down when he saw a rain soaked Kita Shinsuke smiling at him from the school courtyard holding his jacket in his hands like there was an animal in it (it was a kitten he later found out).

Honestly, he should’ve been more careful.

Suddenly, he thought that Kita was an interesting person. He started talking to him during their breaks in practice, ignoring the way people were looking at him like he’d grown three heads when he left Kita’s side. Kita brought them drinks sometimes if Atsumu stayed behind to help him clean the volleyballs. They’d walk outside the school grounds together and Atsumu would talk until they had to say goodbye and part ways.

Of course, it changed once he heard someone ask if he and Kita were a thing.

He became more cautious, warier of how he interacted with Kita. He didn’t talk to him much when the rest of the team was there, he made sure their conversations were kept hidden away from prying eyes, and preferred to send him a message in the middle of the night when he was sure Osamu was asleep. And of course, he visited Kita’s home one time when he was bored, asked Kita if he could come over as a joke, and was actually invited over so that he had the chance to meet Kita’s beloved grandmother.

He won’t forget that day, the way Kita closed his eyes while he drank tea with perfect seiza posture in the comfort of his room, as the sun slowly set in the corner of his eyes.

Maybe it’s time he forgot that memory.

As the days came closer to their break, Atsumu realised more things about Kita: he was strict but kind, he was firm but gentle, he was cold yet contained a warmth he wanted to touch with his own hands and keep for himself.

Unfortunately, his twin also realised that he realised those things.

Come spring break while the two walk home, Atsumu had no idea his twin would spring upon him and say something so disgusting to him. They’re walking beside the banks of the river 

“So, you want to date Kita-san, huh?”

Atsumu flinched away from Osamu who regarded him with that stupidly, stoic face of his, giving nothing away.

“I don’t like Kita-san like  _ that _ .” Atsumu laughed nervously. “‘Samu, I’m not even gay! You know that.”

Osamu looked at him one more time like he’s a liar but he faced away before Atsumu could start yelling at him. “Okay. Wanna get onigiri before going home?”

Atsumu stayed frozen where he was before reality caught up and melted his frozen feet. “Yeah, sure.”

They went home, bickered about something, helped their dad cook, ate dinner, watched a volleyball match, then headed to their room to settle down and sleep. Everything seemed normal but Osamu’s comment weighed heavy in Atsumu’s mind. What led Osamu to say that to him? He’s just being friendly with Kita. He just found the guy interesting and he wanted to get close with him. Nothing’s wrong about that.

“Hey, ‘Samu?” Atsumu called out in the dark, wondering if his brother was still awake like he was, thinking of everything that happened that day.

“Yeah?” Osamu’s voice told him all he needed to know.

After a few moments, Atsumu turned and let his hands touch the wall. “It’s nothing. Night.”

“Night.”

During spring break, Atsumu noticed that something was slowly changing between him and Osamu. They talked, they made fun of each other, but there were gaps of silences that felt oddly charged with tension that he’d never felt before with Osamu. There were moments when their eyes would meet and Osamu’s facial expressions darkened for a moment, something that most people wouldn’t even notice. But he’s Atsumu’s literal twin so of course, Atsumu noticed. There were also times when Osamu got this bored yet somehow troubled look on his face that only appeared when something big was really bothering him. Of course, Atsumu noticed Osamu glancing at him from time to time when this happened.

Are they fighting? Atsumu wasn’t exactly sure but he knew that they weren’t exactly okay either. If they aren’t okay, what’s the reason? He doesn’t know. He hadn’t done much to really piss Osamu off as far as he knew. In fact, shouldn’t he be the one to be pissed off? Osamu thought he was gay or bisexual or whatever, but he’s not. He’s just a normal guy who wanted to date girls and maybe settle down with some amazing woman one day and adopt a dog or cat with her. He’s not  _ gay _ .

There’s no way he was.

It was a mistake. Whatever peaceful coexistence they had was shattered when Atsumu overheard Osamu and Suna talking to each other in their room, lying down on the floor with the fan pointed at them, hands too close to be considered friendly. It’s not like Atsumu was being a creep but he was concerned for his brother and he wanted to know if he had to give Suna some kind of shovel talk in place of their parents.

“... anything happening with you guys?”

“Not really. ‘Tsumu’s just being a jerk.”

“Isn’t he always though?”

A pause. “I’m kind of worried about him though. I think he likes Kita-san.”

Atsumu felt his blood turn icy cold when he heard what Osamu said. What the fuck. What the fuck. What the fuck.  _ What the fuck _ .

Suddenly, he didn’t feel grounded to the floor. He felt a certain kind of dizzying freedom as he entered their room and watched Osamu and Suna scramble up from the ground, frowning at him like he’s the one who did something abhorrent.

There was a moment before the tsunami hit land, where the water receded from the shore, and everything was quiet. Osamu blinked. Atsumu did not look away. And then everything crashed back down in a matter of seconds. Atsumu shoved Osamu and hit him hard in the face.

It’s like a rubber band snapping after holding in all the tension. But there’s nothing satisfying about hurting someone when you hurt yourself too.

“I’m not fucking gay like you, you piece of shit!”

Osamu raised his hand to touch his cheek then glanced back at Atsumu, eyes burning. “What the fuck is the deal with you, huh? Why are you acting like it’s so bad to be gay? You got a problem with me, ‘Tsumu?” He asked, moving forward like he’s about to corner Atsumu. “Tell me!”

“I’m not gay! Unlike you fucking homosexuals!”

“But you like Kita-san, don’t you? Don’t fucking lie to me! I’m your fucking brother!”

“This is all your fault. It’s like you caused me to be gay you piece of shit!”

“No one told you to like Kita, so shut up! What the fuck is your problem?”

“It’s unnatural! You’ll grow out of it one day!”

It’s at that moment that Atsumu felt like he went too far. The hurt on Osamu’s face was one he’d only seen once when some bastard from another team said something homophobic to him. But at that time, Atsumu was looking at that face, right in front of him and he didn’t feel an ounce of regret. That’s when Suna grabbed Osamu like he’s some kind of charming prince, yelled at Atsumu, then led Osamu out, away from him.

A tragedy often leaves people standing still, looking at the damage, like they can’t really believe it yet. Atsumu stood alone in their room, hand stinging from the point of impact.

It was nothing like the satisfying sting of hitting a volleyball.

On his bed, Atsumu sighs and covers his eyes with his arm.

“What the fuck?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> internal homophobia LETS GO  
> so uh yeah. is this just a "breather" before we see what goes on? yeah i guess so lmao  
> also i have no idea how to write atsumu he is literally the hardest character i've ever had the pleasure of writing in my entire life. so if he seems ooc im super sorry i really dont know how to get him down. if u guys have any suggestions or comments on how to write atsumu, please tell me in the comments! i am dying here !!!!  
> i think the chapter is a _mess_ because of my inability to write atsumu but i dont think i'll be able to really do much at this point :/

**Author's Note:**

> updates will most likely be sporadic but i'll do my best in updating once a week or maybe once a month sdhfsjd idk im not sure how long this fic will be  
> next chapter will feature atsumu's pov so please dont get mad at how he behaved fhsjdf and how i wrote him pls i'm just setting up the story aaa  
> 


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